Tough Decisions and Existentialism

Like I said in my last post, it was nice to spend Thanksgiving with my “JET family,” but it made me really homesick for my family and friends in the U.S., so I’m beyond excited to be able to go home for the holidays in less than two weeks.

But as the holidays draw closer, a major decision is weighing heavily on my mind: contractual renewal.

By February, I have to decide whether or not I will stay with the JET Programme for another year, and I’m honestly not sure what to do.  Some days, I can see myself staying on for an additional contract.  Other days, I just want to pack up and head straight for the nearest airport (which is, of course, several hours away from here in the Deep South Boonies).  I’m still not sure if teaching is what I want to do; when things go right in the classroom, I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be.  On the days when the class is rowdy and I’m not even teaching anything because of the always ineffectual “I’m very disappointed in you but I’ll wait until you’re done talking” teacher stare instead of actual discipline, I wonder why exactly I packed up my life and moved over 6,000 miles to a country wherein I don’t speak the language and hardly know anyone.  I know that my situation isn’t unique – most JETs go through these “culture shock” phases – but it doesn’t help that the weather is getting colder, making one feel even more bear-in-hibernateish.

 But, I can’t help but wonder how this will affect my decision to stay or go.

I know for a fact that I won’t be staying longer than two years, I just can’t be on a separate continent for that long.  Granted, things could change, but taking this on a day by day matter, I can’t see myself staying in Wakayama-ken for any longer than two years.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy my work (alright, it has its days, I’ll give you that) or that I don’t like my JTEs or students (okay, that can be any day. But they’re middle schoolers, what do you expect?), it’s just that I can’t imagine myself being away from home that long.  I’d like to think that I’m willing to try new things – in the last week I ate chicken cartilage, chicken gizzard and raw chicken sashimi for the first time – but I’m not a particularly adventurous person.  Sky diving, base jumping, drag racing and Four-Horseman burger eating are not currently on my “Life’s Bucket List.”  So, while I want to do and experience as much as I can while I’m in Japan, I find comfort in knowing that California will always be my home.

There are a lot of things that I want to do with my life, the hard part is settling on “one goal” to start with.  They say that it takes only one first step to start that inevitable journey we call life, but what if I “stray off the path” while making my way towards that singular goal?  There could be something shiny, or a puppy, or I could stumble across a cottage with seven dwarves and I could bake pies for them all day.  I know I don’t have to choose one career for the rest of my life, but it’s a daunting feeling to know that, whatever I decide to do, I have to go back to graduate school, and making these life plans while in a foreign country isn’t easy.  I like being organized and having plans, and while I’m stuck hovering over the line of “To Stay” and “To Leave,” I feel like I can’t really make any concrete plans, and my planner keeps staring at me from across the room: “You mean you still haven’t decided yet?”   It’s times like these I wish that those buttons from the Staples commercials were real…

This could easily be me. I'm a sucker for pastries. 
http://seseheartheels.tumblr.com/post/5366173595/snow-white-cuteness

Furthermore, I still don’t know what I want to go to grad school for.  Can’t educators create an “I Know How to do Everything Master’s Degree, But Just Check My Résumé If You Want to Hire Me for Something Specific”?  Surely DeVry or Phoenix can get on that?

I’m hoping that during my time back home in the U.S. (besides stuffing myself with as much Mexican food as possible), I’ll know what to do when I go back to Japan in January.  I was hoping that attending the Mid-Year Conference in Wakayama would help me answer some of my questions and concerns regarding the classroom.  I just found that pretty much everyone is in the same boat as me – and no one has any answers.  A representative from the JET Programme, a former ALT, came and talked to us about a survey they conducted last year with ALTs and JTEs.  He mostly gave us statistics, but didn’t offer us any suggestions or ideas to address “How do I become a bigger a part of the community?” and “How can I work more effectively with my schools?”  Now I’m more confused than ever.  How can I make a difference within my community if I’m only here for a year?  But, how can I even begin to try to make a difference if I don’t have all the necessary tools?

Being a grown up is confuzzling business.